


An Unfortunate Predicament

by Dev_Bee (orphan_account)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Star Wars: A New Dawn, Pre-Season/Series 01, Pre-Star Wars: Rebels, Space April Fools, Space Shenanigans, Three Legged Race, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 00:13:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Dev_Bee
Summary: Kanan really, really needs to pee.





	1. Chapter 1

Kanan could feel the lek that was tossed lazily into his face last night, when he was so close to sleep he didn't care, felt a small puddle of drool on the pillow he knew as his own, his hair everywhere, including his mouth, and begging to be sprayed with his dry shampoo.

Hera was snuggled up into his chest, her other lek hanging off the side of the bed, still asleep, breathing evenly and softly, one leg hooked over Kanan's, the other nudged in between his two legs, and he could feel sweat there, most likely of his own making, since Twi'Lek don't sweat very much.

It would've been nice if not for the hair in his face, the big lek covering one eye, oily hair in his mouth, and especially if he hadn't really really needed to pee.

After a minute or two of considering his options, he sighed and moved Hera's lek off his face, pulled the hair out of his mouth, and sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed.

He was alarmed to see Hera's right leg move with his left, and more alarmed to see that it was... fused to his leg?!

Hera, obviously, had woken from the movement, and the fused legs were on full display, so when one eye popped open, she instantly saw their legs and immediately woke the rest of the way, and sat up.

"This isn't some sort of prank for Djarrii'wek, is it, Kanan?"

"What's... Dejarriwek?" Kanan asked, stumbling a bit over the pronunciation of the strange word.

"It's Dey-JAR-e-EK, the W is silent, and it's a Rylothian holiday where people set up pranks and the gods set up their own, very special pranks for those who need them... guess I just answered my own question."

"The gods pranked us?"

"Yup. Probably Himkaorew, God of Fun, or Jix, Goddess of Comfort. Or both, they tend to work together for this kind of stuff."

"Well, what do we do?"

"You only get pranked by the gods if you're really miserable or really sad or lonely, I guess after all the slaves we couldn't save from the factory on Na'acto we've been deemed miserable by the gods. Anyway, it'll probably last all day and we'll be back to normal tomorrow."

"But what do we do today?"

Hera shrugged. "I guess what we always do, just with our legs fused together."

"Okay, well, I really need to pee," Kanan said.

Hera nodded and the two of them stood.

Hera instantly nearly toppled over, but Kanan grabbed her shoulder and tugged her up.

The trip to the fresher was... entertaining, if anything. It was still too early for anyone to be awake, but the only other being on the ship was Chopper, so it was a good thing they didn't need to keep quiet, because their instinctive attempts to stay quiet anyway ultimately worsened their noise production and they ended up falling over and making a huge clatter.

"Good thing the only one besides us on the ship is Chopper," Kanan commented.

"Nope, not a good thing, Kanan! He'll take a holo and immortalise this moment! Get up, get up!" Hera cried, squirming.

"Aren't you the one who can control him?" Kanan asked, trying to pull himself up on the metal wall and failing for lack of handholds and sliding back down.

"Yes... and no. I can't hack into his storage, where he keeps things like this, I've tried. I can only erase memory logs. At least that means that nobody else can get into his storage if we're arrested!" Hera replied, trying to use Kanan as a stool to stand up and failing.

"Try sitting up, kneeling position, I'll kneel too, make it easier to get up," Kanan suggested, pushing Hera off his back and pushing himself into Cobra Position, forcing Hera into a fetal-like position at his side, but with her leg stretched out and fused to Kanan's.

Hera nodded and attempted to pull herself into a kneeling position.

With some minor pushing, shoving, and arranging, they were both kneeling.

"This wasn't an attempt to teach me meditation like you keep insisting on, is it, Jarrus?"

"Not unless you want it to be."

Hera shrugged. "Go ahead, we're not coming out of hyperspace for awhile."

* * *

 

"Kanan. I'm hungry," Hera said, shaking him by the shoulders, bringing him out of meditation.

"Then go eat something," Kanan said.

"No, remember? Our legs are fused together."

"Ah. Right."

"So how do we get up from here?"

"Together, as one. Go from kneel to down on one knee, push up on the bent knee to go to a standing position. But we have to do it all at the exact same time."

"Got it."

"Ready? One, two, three."

They both did it at the same time, but Kanan shifted his part of the fused leg at the last second, causing Hera to nearly topple over, but Kanan caught her by the arm and hauled her up.

"So now how do we walk around without finding oursleves in that situation again?" Kanan asked.

"Have you ever been in a three-legged race?"

"No. What's that?"

Hera's eyes widened. "Kanan Jarrus, you're telling me you've never been in a three legged race? And that you don't even karking know what it is?"

"Well, what is it?"

"Children's legs are bound together with cloth, in the same way ours are fused, making three legs. You step with your bound leg first, and then you both step with your free legs at the same time."

"Is it falling-down proof?"

Hera laughed. "Nothing is."

Kansas sighed.

"Alright. One, two, three, step!"

They were actually quite successful using the three legged race technique, and only fell down about six times on the ten step walk to the kitchen from the fresher.

"So what're we making?" Kanan asked when they finally got into the kitchen.

"I dunno. Pancakes, maybe?"

"You really want to handle hot stoves and hot pans and messy batter while our legs are fused?"

"It's just like regular pancake cooking, only I'm really close to you, that's all," Hera pointed out. "Just don't shove me over, and we'll be fine."

"As if I'm the one doing the shoving, Missy."

"Maybe not all of it, but most of it."

Kanan sighed. "Where's the batter?"

"Refrigerator cabinet, third one to the right," Hera responded, bending down without moving her part of the fused leg into a crouch or squat position, to get a pan from the cabinet below the oven, while Kanan leaned over to grab the batter with one hand, using the other to turn on the burner, where a few seconds later Hera plopped the pan onto, and opened a drawer to grab a spatula when Kanan was pouring the batter onto the pan in neat circles.

"Where was this perfect harmony when you were moaning about how we were never going to get up from the floor?" Hera asked, holding the spatula, waiting to flip the pancakes.

"I don't know, but I do wonder how we're going to go about the rest of our day."

"Well, we're still in hyperspace for another three hours, and then we've gotta get these goods to Fulcrum, which will be amusing. You also may have to be blindfolded for it."

"Blindfolded?"

"Indeed," Hera said solemnly, flipping a pancake. "You can't see Fulcrum just yet."

"And why is that?"

"Fulcrum doesn't trust much of anyone, Kanan. Even Chopper's not allowed to seem them."

"That's not fair."

Hera chuckled. "Life isn't fair, Kanan."

* * *

 

"We're coming out of hyperspace. Once we calculate the jump we'll be at Fulcrum's rendezvous in less than an hour."

"That's my line, Kanan," Hera protested absentmindedly.

As the ship shroomed out of hyperspace, a light cruiser, a couple of Imperial transports, and plenty of TIEs came into view.

"Oh, mother of kunta. Kanan, get on the top guns," Hera sighed, clicking things on.

"Spectre Three, I don't know what you've been doing all morning, but I need you on Phantom's guns," Hera shouted into the comm.

Then, Hera noticed that Kanan hadn't moved.

"In case you've forgotten, Captain Hera, we had to literally move the copilot chair to reach yours because our legs are fused together, so it ought to be obvious that I can't go to the top guns unless you come with me," Kanan said.

Hera sighed. "Alright, then, switch nose gun control to the copilot's yoke," she said, then tapped the comm button again. "Spectre Three, belay the previous order, proceed to the top guns!"

A garbled binary response sounded from the other end.

"Why Kanan can't do it? Because he's at the noseguns. Now get up there!"

Meanwhile, the TIEs had begun to advance towards the Ghost, but they hadn't begun firing yet, oddly enough.

"Chopper! Where are you?"

The answer came in the form of two shots flying overhead to destroy a TIE.

Still, however, there was no firing back from the TIEs, yet they still steadily advanced, without breaking formation.

"What is going-"

Hera was cut off by the whole ship shuddering, and Hera loosing control of the ship.

"It's a tractor beam," she said softly, confirming Kanan's fears.


	2. A Breakneck Beta

"How can we be caught in a tractor beam?! We're out of range for it to be from the cruiser, and the transports don't have tractor beams!" Kanan cried.

"I think it was the TIEs. This must be a test zone, and we can probably wiggle our way out of this. Stay quiet," Hera responded, and then tapped a button to open transmission to the cruiser. "This is the captain of the cargo ship you've captured, please let us go."

"No!" Kanan hissed. "Hera, we've gotta figure out what they're making and destroy it!"

"Please be quiet, Yank," Hera said, giving him a message with her eyes that revealed that she'd heard him, and was considering it.

"Cargo ship, you've trespassed into restricted space, what's your business here?" A voice responded.

"We were using this place to calculate our jump to the Alkjen sector, sir, in order to conserve fuel."

"What's your business on Alkjen?"

"Importing fruit from the Projan and Lothal sectors, and spices and dry goods from the Alderaan sector, sir."

"What kinds of fruit?"

"Oh, yogans, trittms, jimmi fruit, nok fruit, pinkakos-"

"Nok fruit and pinkakos are now restricted fruits and require a license to import. Do you have a license?"

"I wasn't made aware that they'd been restricted," Hera responded, winking at Kanan.

"They are now. Do you have a license?"

"No, sir."

"Then we will continue to pull your ship in, and you can apply for a license inside. We'll provide bunks for you and your crew overnight, and you'll have it by the morning."

"Alright then, sir."

"How many crew members do you have?"

"Me, my copilot, Yank Weston, and my droid, Nymber."

"What is your name, Captain...?"

"Shirley, Moon Shirley."

"Please have identification ready when your ship is linked up to ours."

"Right away, sir," Hera said, tapping the button again to end the transmission.

"That was pretty smooth," Kanan said, smiling.

"Yeah, well, the problem is, my ID picture doesn't really look like me," Hera said, holding up her card.

Kanan studied it. "Only thing that's different is the facial markings, since this still is a picture of you, just from the day Chopper drew on your face and we cleaned it up to look like Rylothian facial markings."

"Yeah, well, we still need to recreate them in about... oh, ten minutes, tops, since this tractor beam is slow and we were still a klick or two away from the ships. Where's the paint?"

"Fifth overhead cabinet to the right, and how exactly do we disguise that our legs are literally fused together?"

"Right now, your pant leg is serving both of us. Take off your pants, I'll take off mine, and I'll alter our identical cargo pants and put on identical ones, and since our feet aren't fused together, we put on our own shoes and like, put our arms over each other's shoulders to hide the fact that we're using the same pants."

* * *

 

"And here are your quarters," the stormtrooper said, using his fist to pound on a button to open the door rather than just pressing it, probably because he was angry that she'd grabbed him by the armpit and flipped him over, nearly exposing her and Kanan's predicament, but he had been trying to advance on the 'exotic woman' and Hera deemed it worth the risk. Also, the captain, Captain Brockbiff, hadn't sided with the trooper on the matter, and after escorting them the trooper would be heading down to detention.

"Thank you," Hera said stonily, stepping in with Kanan, Chopper close behind.

"We shall take it from here, captain," Kanan said, intentionally using a deep Projani accent to sell the story that he'd lived on Projan all his life until Moon had picked him up as crew a couple months back.

The captain nodded and the door was shut.

Kanan had to admit, Hera had done an excellent job with the pants. They still looked like two pairs of pants, and some fancy Alderaanian fabric taken from the goods for Fulcrum made it look very much like two pairs of pants, because you could 'see' between them, while in actuality, it was an optical illusion, and you'd have to look extremely hard to tell that it was actually now one pair of pants.

Hera dropped her bag on the top bunk, and immediately rested her head on the hidden security camera on the wall next to the bunk to hide the fact on the footage showing she was turning it off, and when she heard the soft beep signaling it shutting down, she stalked over to the door with Kanan, opened it halfway, looked down both sides of the hall, and when she saw no troopers, she shut it.

 _I could've turned off the camera myself, Spectre Two,_ Chopper warbled.

"Yes, I know, but I did it neater than you would've," Hera responded.

"So now what?" Kanan asked, dropping the Projani accent.

"Now, we've got to get onto one of the transports to get to the TIEs. This is definitely a testing zone, and this cruiser is just an escort, otherwise they'd never have let us on."

"So how do we get to the transports?"

"I've hacked into their main comm channel already. From what I can hear, all four transports are linking up, and they're going to link up with this cruiser on its other linkup."

"Won't that overbalance the ship?"

Hera shook her head. "No, they'll engage their thrusters to move the transports higher up, like a slope, but it'll feel like everything's even. It's an old Republic tactic they used late in the Clone Wars.

They'd link up with multiple Separatist ships, one at a time, by linking up with one but quadruple sealing the hatch so nobody could get into the Republic ship, and then fly sideways towards another while they used their systems to overpower that of the ships, gaining control of the linkup on the other side and extending it while plowing into another Separatist ship, forcing the ship to either be crushed or link up.

They'd continue plowing into ships, and so that they wouldn't overbalance they put the Republic cruiser higher using the thrusters, making the Separatist ships like a slope so the bottom one could still link up. It took very powerful systems and the biggest cruisers, but they could surprise-attack an entire blockade and clear it quickly. They did that over Ryloth once."

"I've never heard of this tactic, and I actually fought in that war!"

"It was pretty rarerly used. I've only ever seen it used in person over Ryloth, and in the holo-book I found on rare Republic tactics at the library on Ryloth before it was destroyed. But anyway, the Empire can use the same tactic for this to balance up all out."

A slight shudder rocked the ship and nearly plowed the two of them over.

"They just linked up with the transports, Kanan. Let's go."

 


End file.
